Hello America.

You know what really grinds my gears?

A lot of things. A lot.Because I wasn’t granted the fee I would have charged to list everything that grinds my gears in one sitting. And because anyone who knows me knows I have an infamous problem with authority. So we’ve decided to break it down to ten for starters.

Top 10 things that annoy people in wheelchairs:

1) Walmart scooters.

2) The fact that you need to call ticketmaster to purchase handicap tickets. What do you want? My ADA card? Do we need to verify that I’m not contagious? Would they charge me if I said I was deaf? Oh. My. Gosh. I’m trying that.

3) The people who park in our handicapped spaces–that shouldn’t–then skip like a school girl into the store.

4) The heinously insensitive belief that wheelchairs should not be allowed on a golf course. As a golf lover, I can and will defy this insistence for the rest of my life. And I doubt someone who has golfed for eighty years and suddenly finds himself in a wheelchair will retain this insistence.

5) Anyone touching my joystick.

6) Not being able to board an airplane in your wheelchair with a designated space to park in as your seat.

7) That disabled transportation besides soccer mom wheelchair accessible minivans don’t exist. (Love ya, soccer moms! And please don’t fire me, TMR.)

8) The fact that disability is not given a large enough, dignified role in literature or entertainment. For instance, heroes who are disabled. How many handicapped – truly handicapped – Hollywood actors are there? Right. Because there are very few truly handicapped characters in entertainment. I plan on changing that.

9) Any medical condition that has more than one word. When you get to the point of the doctor not offering you stickers on the way out anymore, you’re in deep. Oh darn, looks like my fingers are giving out.

10) And lastly, you know what REALLY grinds my gears? Not having a sense of humor about your condition. Yeah, people can be ignorant and insensitive and even downright jerks sometimes, but the shame is on us if we can’t smile and wish them well. What really grinds my gears is the unfair but present aura of bitterness and unapproachability some find in the handicapped community. Let’s not be the ones glaring at the world and wondering “why me?” Let’s be the ones smiling, shrugging and saying “Why not me?”

So there you go folks. What really grinds my gears is what really grinds my gears.

Oh wait, did I forget to mention short buses?